A letter from Draco Malfoy
by The Sound Shaman
Summary: It has come to my attention that muggles fantasize about me in many exceptionally odd ways. I wish to set you straight, so that you can portray me accurately, and then pay me the proper royalty. Rating for language.


Hello. I was recently kidnapped, and forced to spend time in something called a highschool. I quickly broke out, but prior to my escape some teenaged girls held me down and forced me to read something called a "fanfiction". Much to my horror, I discovered that it was a story about some strange man who shared my name. When I found out that thousands of such travesties existed, and that they truly were about me, I decided to emulate the first intelligent thing Potter ever did. I am writing you a letter to express my dissent with your infringement upon my person.

My name is Draco Malfoy, and I wish to clear up a few common misconceptions about myself. Firstly, I am not misunderstood. Beneath my cruelly mocking and racist exterior lies no sad little boy, no young man yearning for true love.

The next great misconception is that of my physique. As a schoolboy whose only form of exercise is sitting on a literal broomstick, my muscles do not bulge, nor do they ripple nor glimmer. I do not smile sweetly, I smirk sarcastically.

Startlingly, there seems to be a great deal of confusion as to my species. This disgusts me, because I am a pureblood, I am the elite of the wizarding society, and can assure you that I am entirely human. In the world where I live there exists precisely one type of elf. This form of elf is a small greenish slave. As I am neither three feet tall, nor the color of a particularly ill persons face, I can assure you that I am most certainly not an elf. Next, as much as I wish that I were some sort of sex-demon, Veela are generally understood to be exclusively female. I hold that keeping these creatures in the fairer sex is most often a good choice, as male veela are so rarely anything but excuses for poorly written pornography, riddled with excessive orgasms.

One thing truly baffles me. It is well understood that with the exception of one Stephanie Meyers preposterous fantasies, (I know of them due to the time I spent held hostage in a muggle "high – school" with Potter of all people) vampires burn in sunlight. Pale though I may be, I have played Quidditch many a day, and on the broom I have been directly exposed to sunlight. As I am not presently a heap of ash, it is clear that a vampire I am not.

My "love" life is somewhat shrouded in mystery, and I shall endeavor to keep it there to a degree, but I am going to explain just a few things. First of all, my father has never raped or tortured me. He is a harsh and indeed an evil man, but his proclivities tend towards women, and towards people who are not of his direct bloodline. Had I been tortured, that would be a rather excessive case of child abuse, and I would act more like Potter than my bratty self. Secondly, Severus Snape is a man who I have known and admired since childhood. More importantly, he is my Godfather, practically family. As such, we would never in a million years even consider the notion of coupling with each other. More on the men in my life: Crabbe and Goyle are hideous. I will never have sex with anybody that ugly. Finally, Harry Potter. He is lucky. He is not unusually intelligent, or unusually talented at anything save Quidditch. Most importantly, Potter and I strongly dislike each other. I spend an inordinate amount of time specifically trying to infuriate him, because _he annoys me. _It's that simple. Anybody who reads this as love is a fool, and is going to end up in an abusive relationship.

My romantic relationships with women are just as clear cut. Hermione Granger, despite her sullied blood, is quite an attractive witch. Though I would enjoy shagging her, it would never be any more than that. I find her an irksome know-it-all who lords her text-book like unimaginative knowledge over others because it is the only way she knows to bolster her pathetically low self-esteem. I'd fuck her, but I'd never love her. Ginny Weasly is even worse. The Weaslys are poor, and they are blood traitors. To engage in sexual activity with one of them would be to irreparably degrade myself. When the time comes, I shall marry an appropriately blooded and moneyed witch, and produce offspring with her to continue my line. Perhaps I'll take a mistress for entertainment purposes.

Ladies and gentlemen, my character is well defined as being a shallow prick. If you wish to write me up as brilliant, or as reluctant to serve Voldemort, or as Pottys estranged lover, please just pick a different character. Perhaps Blaise, because with him, you can do anything you like, as my creator never bothered to flesh him out at all. If you manage to write a not-me me well, you could as easily write that character to a different name.


End file.
